Life? It's that you?

 Nobody. Not a single soul on this planet, has their life completely together. 

That's right, I called you out. 

Wait. 

Or did I just call myself out? 🤣

I had big plans for myself when I was younger. Had no real clue what they were just some ideas, but I knew I wanted it to be big. Well my definition of big. I wanted to help people, or make people smile, or travel and help people. But mostly I knew I wanted to be a mom. If I did nothing else I was going to do that, and be the best mom on the planet. "bomb single mom" is how I described it then while I was in my very strong anti relationship phase at the age of 20. 

If you'd asked me at that naive age of 20 where I would be at 35? My answer would be simple and much like anyone else's my age. Successful, financially stable, kids, nice house. Pretty standard American dream right?

Well, that's the thing about dreams. There is no one size fits all. I tried many different ones. I got married, had babies, worked to much, worked not enough, got divorced. It would sure seem like my perfectly planned out outline for how my life was supposed to go, had gotten me an F on the overall assignment wouldn't it. 

"Ok so I'm tanking this thing called life. How the hell do I fix this? Let's try changing the plan! Oh. Cool. That one tanked too. Oh, that plans out as well? I give up, where is the Ice cream?!" 

What the heck universe?! What do you want from me? Can't I have just a simple hint to help me along here cause apparently my notes are all wrong. 

When I was a kid I watched my parents. I watched my friends parents. I took all the little pieces and put them together into what I think is the perfect plan to get exactly what I want for a future. Parents work hard right? I know mine did. I always had clothes, food, shelter and water. I may not gotten everything I wanted, but I always had what I needed. And they made it look so easy! 

But guess what? All of them lied to me. Every single one. 

Ok maybe they didn't lie. But they certainly omitted information by trying to shelter me. Why? Because I was a kid. They wanted me to go as long as possible not stressing about life. Remember that universal line all parents use? (I even use it myself now.) "Don't be in a hurry to grow up." What they aren't saying to finish this warning is actually this... 

Being an adult is hard. It's also scary sometimes. There will be times you feel like you're failing and times you feel like it's actually looking ok. Sometimes you're gunna have to rob Peter to pay Paul to get your bills paid, and no doubt there will be times the internet gets shut off. Wait for it, the kids will definitely notice that one. 

You're going to have jobs you love and jobs you hate and there might be a time you don't have one at all. You will possibly have times where you don't make a plate for yourself and make sure those kiddos eat then pick through what they left behind. And you know what you'll tell them when they question your empty space? "Oh, I'm just not hungry right now. Don't worry I'll eat in a little bit." You will do the same thing as the generation before you. Protect their childhood. 

There will be times you're so tired you stare in front of you and think that there's no way you can do one more thing right then. But when that kiddo needs help getting out of the tub, guess what you will do? Exactly. 

My parents had dreams. Big ones. At least big to them.  Today my father is just shy of 60. He's not a financially rich man. But he still views himself as wealthy. His dreams changed again. And again. And again... and you know what? He has days. He doesn't always have it together. But he is enjoying his life.. and my parents accomplished their most important dream. Me and my brothers. But mostly me of course, just ask my daddy. 

This year I am 35. And I can tell you you it's been a year. Every year lately has been quite a year in many different ways. This year has been full of record lows and record highs. I have accomplished one dream in my life so far. My must important dream. I became a mom. I have no idea what my next dream is right now. But it'll pop up and I promise you guys, I'll tell you when it changes yet again. 

I'm growing and finally beginning to accept, that adulthood is just hard. It's not that I'm just a giant screw up 🤣. But it's also full of lessons every day. I never stop learning. I am finally learning that it's ok to be overwhelmed sometimes, or even most of the time. It's ok to be scared. In the words of my son Kyden, "it's ok for you to take care of you mom, and sometimes taking care of you is losing it just a little."

It's ok that I have a grand total of 12.47% of my life figured out. 

Nobody and I mean nobody has their shit figured out. 

And that's actually ok.